A rundown flat, with a kitchen faucet that doesn't work. Selina writes her last entry for the year. She sits by her flat's window in Wan Chai, overlooking The Flemming. The atmosphere is pensive and bittersweet. All of this in stillness.

My initial title was “The Perpetual Disdain for My Own Psyche”. I scrapped it because it didn’t make any sense. At least, for now. You know how a lot of Asian art house movies have an excessively long and vague title? I was kinda going for that. 

A formative, grounding year for me-almost like hitting restart, especially in the last quarter. Some glimmers of wins, and some detours. Too balanced of a contrast for my liking. Where's the gradient I'm used to seeing in all this? And while some of it feels frustratingly dim, there were bright moments too.I wrote my first published op-ed for Preview, straight from their opening editorial from the previous month. I wrote and modeled for a publication— didn't even know that was possible. Featured in my first printed magazine cover with Mega. Art directed my first TVC-survived the heavy responsibility and killer production hours (somehow).

Three years in a job I sooo badly wanted since college (thank you, Plus63)-and made that work while being remote for the last quarter.

And then, Hong Kong.

I lived in a new city in the later part of the year.

This is all real, right? I did this by myself?

Damn.

There's this persistent push and pull: wanting to do more, loathing that I'm not doing enough. A fear of getting too comfortable, too complacent. Maybe it's all those Miyazaki documentaries or reading about people far more talented, intelligent, and successful than me. The perpetual disdain for my own psyche.

I'm aware that it's a me problem. All artists are like this. The impatience of molding things my way. But this insatiable hunger, it all stems from starting from nothing. From the journey that took me from the province to "making it" (whatever that even means) in the "city."

No shortcuts, just messy and chaotic-but somehow, still sincere and endearing. Just like how I've always been. But how do I learn the balance?

"I try to stay severe" was my only takeaway from a Rick Owens interview that popped up on my YouTube algorithm.

But maybe: I try to stay severe, yes-but also kind of fantastic.

See ya, 2025.